Friday, October 19, 2007

Bedtime Beatings

I realize two year olds are notorious for delaying their inevitable slumber after the sun goes down. Harrison is no different. Here's the screen play of our evening after I closed the boys' bedroom door (for the first time). (Jason had long since disappeared to play his piano with his earphones on.)

Cori (exiting the master bedroom sees Harrison's legs as he's crawling into the guest room): "Hey, what are you doing? (she picks him up and walks him back to bed) "I forgot to lock you in there." (closes the door and locks it from the outside)
Harrison: giggles (hot wheels truck in hand)

5 minutes later...

Harrison (banging on the door and screaming): "Mama! Maaaaama! Ma-ma!"
Cori (turns on the hall light and opens the door): "What do you want?"
Harrison: "I need go potty."
Cori: "No you don't."
Harrison: "Yes, I DO!"
Cori (leading him to the bathroom and stripping him from the waist down): "There, now you'd better go."
Harrison plays with the shower curtain and rolls his truck around the toilet seat.
Cori: "Stop playing with the shower curtain and focus!"
Harrison: "I no need go potty."
Cori (dresses Harrison): "I knew it. Let's go. Back to bed." (tucks him in) "Now go to SLEEP!"

2 minutes later.....

Harrison (banging on the door and screaming): "Mama! Maaaaama! Ma-ma!"
Cori (tries to ignore him for a bit, but he's banging harder, so she opens the door again): "What?"
Harrison: "I go time out."
Cori: "What?"
Harrison: "I go time out."
Cori: "No, nice try, but you're not going to time out. You can go to time out on your bed. Now good night."

2 minutes later.......

Harrison (banging on the door and screaming): "Mama! Maaaaama! Ma-ma!"
Cori (goes to the door for the third time): "This better be good."
Harrison: "I go poo poo."
Cori: "You really need to go poo poo?"
Harrison: "Yea, I go poo poo."
Cori walks Harrison to the bathroom and strips him again.
Harrison (plays with himself): "I no need go poo poo."
Cori (dressing Harrison): "Don't come out of bed again or I'm taking your truck away."
Harrison: "Oh."

30 seconds later.........

Harrison (banging on the door and screaming): "Mama! Maaaaama! Ma-ma!"
Cori (opens the door)
Harrison: "My need covers."
Cori (puts Harrison in bed and covers him)

3 minutes later............

Harrison (banging on the door and screaming): "Mama! Maaaaama! Ma-ma!"
Cori (opens the door ready to dispose of Harrison's truck)
Harrison (crying and pointing to his head): "Truck hurt my head."
Cori (walking Harrison back to bed): "Perhaps if you were in bed, the truck couldn't hurt your head. You're not bleeding, so I don't want to hear it. Get back into bed. Jake is asleep. You should join him."
Harrison: "Oh."

Wow, after typing all of that, I'm surprised I had as much patience with him as I did. Usually by visit two I would have killed his night light, taken his toy away and threatened to remove all of his stuffed animals too.

Wednesday, October 17, 2007

Conversational Counting

Cori to Harrison this afternoon: "Harrison, are you tired?"
Harrison: "Yeah, I tired."
Cori: "Me too."
Harrison: "Me three."

Tuesday, October 16, 2007

Quote of the Day

"When you turn your car on, does it return the favor?"

Said by a woman in a Cadillac commercial. I love it.

Thursday, October 11, 2007

Never Thought it Could Happen: A Martini Letdown

I was washing my hands at the gym earlier this week, when I noticed a new flier taped to the bathroom mirror. Awesome! Now I don't have to count to 20 like a good sanitary girl, I can read something to pass the time. Even better it happens to be a picture of a martini with a recipe below it! I know its only 10:30am, but I was hot and it looked so cold, fruity and frothy, so I stared at it with pitiful longing until I focused and started reading.

It was called a "proteini" and there was not one bit of the good stuff in there at all. It was a fake! An imposter! I felt betrayed and suckered and the worst part was that a martini still sounded mighty tasty. I'm not one to drink alone and my only available drinking companion at 10:30am was all of the ripe age of two, so I grabbed my water and decided that no matter how scrumptious the picture looked, I could not drink a beverage called a "proteini", which was simply a smoothie in a martini glass. That's just wrong.

Sunday, October 07, 2007

My Parenting Manual: The Three Martini Playdate

Saturday as we hung Halloween decorations on the outside of the house due to Jake's persistent prompting, the boys were whipping us so much that we placed an impromptu phone call to Charlie and Kim (Jason's Dad and Dad's wife) to see what they were doing. Ninety minutes later, the boys were downtown at their condo while Jason and I enjoyed a leisurely meal and some light window shopping.

While at Z Gallerie, Jason suddenly grabs my hand and pulls me to a large table with various books and novelty games on it to show me a book called, The Three Martini Play Date, A Practical Guide to Happy Parenting by Christie Mellor. I read a short paragraph and was instantly hooked. This is my type of book! I finished the entire 150 page book that night in about two and a half hours while watching tv. If anyone ever questions the method to my parenting madness, I will instantly hand them this book and tell them to read it. Then they will understand. THIS WOMAN IS ME! SHE GETS IT! I'M NOT MEAN AND CRAZY - I'M SIMPLY NOT LETTING MY CHILDREN RUN MY HOUSEHOLD! The whole book is genius and basically my complete belief of how children should be raised, but I will share a few snippits with you here........

First as an ode to my former post, "My Hell Defined" (if you didn't read it, pause here, go read it and come back), I must share with you this sentence found on the very first page of the book.

"One wasn't required to transport the little children hither and thither, here to T-ball practice, there to a 'playdate,' may the chipper mommy who coined that particular term forever rot in hell of eternally colicky babies. " You would have thought I read this book first and then posted "My hell defined."

Saying No Like You Mean It:
"To what depths have we sunk as parents? We have become ineffectual lap dogs to our children, with all the power and authority of retired security guards. We are bigger than they are. We are supposed to be running things. If you don't start saying no to your children as if you mean it, and you don't start now, the fussing will only get worse...........Learn to say no to your children while they are still young and somewhat malleable, and it will be like money in the bank when they reach those really unbearable hormone-laden years."

On Bedtimes:
"Often parents think that letting their child fall asleep 'naturally' is more, well, 'natural,' although I find nothing natural about a six year old building a fortress out of the sofa pillows at ten o'clock at night."

At Social Events:
"On the other hand, there is the overly precocious 'little adult' who is eternally encouraged to join in with the grown ups, having been told too many times she is 'beautiful' or 'so funny' or 'exceedingly smart.' These tiny party crashers find it necessary to dominate the grown ups' attention with a desperate display of their banter."

Child Labor:
"If your child is older than say, four, there is no reason on earth why he shouldn't be getting his own breakfast, and picking the paper up off the front lawn while he's at it."

"A child who has never been given chores to do is a child who grows up with a skewed sense of entitlement. He shares your home, but strangely, things get picked up after him. The bedsheets are magically changed and laundered, the dinner table is miraculously set every night, and he rarely is told to lift a finger to clean up his messes.......It is time for you to get some much deserved help around the house, not only to lighten your work load but to save your child from growing into an arrogant and spoiled teenager and, ultimately, a helpless grown up." Amen sister!

On Adult Socializing During Playdates:
"I have discovered an easy and fun solution for quickly weeding out the types of parents with whom you would rather not share your afternoons. When forced into a playdate situation, invite the parents over around the cocktail which time I suggest you noisily and with much gusto mix up a cold batch of martinis. This is a surefire way of separating the wheat from the chaff, the cream from the nondairy soy alternative. If after you have offered drinks all around, the visiting parents quickly gather the child and run silently from your house, enjoy your martini with the knowledge that these people were not the sort with whom you would want to embark upon a long term playdate relationship."

Finally, I leave you with a list of activities called the "Do It Yourself After School Enrichment Program", which are suggestions as an alternative to overscheduling your children in 500 extracurricular sporting and cultural events during their waking hours:

1. Care and Cleaning of Barware
2. Fun Foot Rubs for Mom and Dad
3. Finding Neat Hiding Places to Build Forts and Hide from Parents for Hours on End
4. Skedaddling for Beginners
5. Emptying the Dishwasher
6. The Mediative Qualities of Furniture Polishing
7. Hospital corners and the Well Made Bed
8. Make Yourself Scarce
9. Weeding for Fun
10. Delicious Snacks for Mom and Dad
11. The Magic of Sock Sorting and Clothes Folding
12. The Art of Walking on Tiptoes
13. Chemistry in Action! The Gin Fizz
14. Letting Mommy Nap 101

I hope you've enjoyed this post as much as I have. Its like reading the book all over again - and I just might do that! I highly recommend it, although if you subscribe to the philosophy of parenting Christie is mocking, not only do I recommend it, I DEMAND that you read this book. Its never too late to take control, teach your children respect and above all else, how to make a very tasty martini. Its a character building trait that will serve them well for many years to come.

Friday, October 05, 2007


Gotta brag on my big boy kindergartner (stop sighing in boredom - I can hear you) for what a great job he's been doing at school.

Last Friday he came home with a "Good Work Award" for doing "nice work". He stayed on green for good behavior all week and today at the school's Friday afternoon pep rally called "Coyote Call Out", Jake was recognized as one of three kids in the whole school to get a respect award.

During a conference with his teacher yesterday, Jake was commended for being one of the class' most respectful students as well as for taking exceptional pride and care in doing his work. He is starting to read and is at or above all of the skill sets the class has worked on so far the first six weeks.

He must get it from his mama.

Harrison's Quote of the Day

The four of us were sitting at the kitchen table eating breakfast this morning. In the ongoing need to rub in that I am now 30, Jason asked Harrison, "Harrison, is Mama 30?"

Harrison's smile quickly turns into a little giggle as he says, "No, Mama is not dirty!"

With a different image of "dirty" in his head, Jason now decides that being 30 means I am also dirty. Super.

Tuesday, October 02, 2007

My First 30th Birthday

Today was notably the busiest day since I became unemployed in April and it began with an alarm clock wake up at 5:30 am. I was out the door at 6:30 before any of my boys knew it was a new day and headed to my first day as a part time intern at D Magazine.

Finished my "Dtention" (as the creative/design team calls their office) and was finally forced to make up with my step mother in law, Kim, from a heated discussion we had nearly a month ago as she was keeping Harrison for me while I worked. Thankfully she is still just as wonderful as I always thought she was and we parted back to normal, I believe. She and Charlie wished me Happy Birthday.

Harrison passed out in the car as it was 1:45, so to maximize his nap, I pulled up to Jake's school at 2:15 and sat in a running car for 30 minutes until school let out.

At 3:30, pink roses (that I was told later were supposed to be purple - my favorite color) were delivered by one of my most wonderful friends, Kinsey. I called her to thank her and she always makes me laugh so we had a great visit.

Jake had a 6:00 soccer game, so after inhaling a dinner of hot dogs, yogurt and cheetos, we rushed to the game. At 7:30 I was serenaded "Happy Birthday" by my boys in a dark kitchen with only the flicker of two candles, a "3" and a "0" side by side. Harrison couldn't wait to get to the cake and actually had poked several holes in the side to taste the purple frosting Jason created.

My mother in law sent a gift home with Jason. So thoughtful and my parents called to hear about my day. It was a nice birthday. Quiet, but busy, so I didn't have too much time to mope about how old I feel now. The first of many 30th birthdays to come.