Why do I feel like my 5 year old is already grown and gone? Why do I feel like my 9 year old won't see me as the only woman in his life very soon?
I just checked on them as they slept and stared at each of them for a few moments, thinking to myself how sweet and smart and precious they both are. I am not a mom who uses the word "precious", but well, they are and I realize that and my time with them is so short.
I wish they knew how much I adored them. How much I would do for them even though I am constantly trying to get them to do for themselves; its only because I love them. Because I want them to grow up independent, able to make decisions and care for themselves and the families they will soon provide for.
I do fear they will grow up with memories of me getting angry and yes, I've said a "bad word" in front of them a time or two, but I hope those memories won't dominate their childhood flashbacks when they recount their time with me to their future wives and friends. I have had moments of anger, but I am trying to look at my babies with my own memories of when they were first born and I held them in my arms as though nothing would ever hurt them or cause them pain.
They are great kids and I suppose some of that could be my doing, but I do realize they are wonderful individuals, and they, like me, will make mistakes. Their accidents are mistakes. My anger is not. I promise today to never get upset over spilled milk, dirty underwear and tiny handprints on the walls again.
Jake and Harrison. Your Mama loves you so much.